The Dan Blog

Eliot Chats with Barack

2008-12-17T20:33:00.004-05:00

Transcript of Instant Message Conversation between Barack Obama and Eliot Spitzer

Spitz0rSwallows: sup Barack
BarackNroll: hey …
BarackNroll: who is this?
Spitz0rSwallows: it’s me. you know …
Spitz0rSwallows: Eliot Spitzer
BarackNroll: oh …
BarackNroll: hey eliot.
BarackNroll: how’s it going?
Spitz0rSwallows: oh, you know. not too bad. just takin it easy mostly.
BarackNroll: cool.
Spitz0rSwallows: yeah, been meeting with my lawyers a lot. and my therapist.
Spitz0rSwallows: so, how’s the transition going?
Spitz0rSwallows: btw, congrats on your victory. i always knew you’d win.
BarackNroll: thanks!
BarackNroll: going pretty well. i’m confident i have the best people on my team.
Spitz0rSwallows: sweet.
Spitz0rSwalows: so … how many positions are left to fill?
BarackNroll: oh, I dunno. a couple.
Spitz0rSwallows: cool.
Spitz0rSwallows: off to a good start, sounds like.
BarackNroll: yep.
Spitz0rSwallows: so … do you think there might be room for me on your team?
BarackNroll: eliot …
Spitz0rSwallows: what?
BarackNroll: are you crazy? i can’t afford to put you in my cabinet.
Spitz0rSwallows: why not?
BarackNroll: well, for one thing, there was that little prostitution deal you got yourself involved in. You wouldn’t be able to get confirmed for a dogcatcher position after that.
Spitz0rSwallows: come on, barack. now that’s below the belt.
BarackNroll: well, it’s true. Besides, I already dodged a big enough bullet with this governor blagojevich crap. Another corrupt governor is the last thing I need at my side.
Spitz0rSwallows: hey. at least i had the decency to resign when i got in trouble. come on, i’m in a jam and you’re my best way out!
BarackNroll: sorry, eliot. no can do.
Spitz0rSwallows: come on!
Spitz0rSwallows: you have no idea what’s going on with me. it’s a constant struggle for me to stay relevant.
Spitz0rSwallows: you know my therapist told me to do philanthropy to improve my image? Who has time for that sh*t? i need power! i need a chance to restore my political significance!
BarackNroll: I gotta run, man. Peace out.
Spitz0rSwallows: wait!
Spitz0rSwallows: i’m sorry, barack …
Spitz0rSwallows: i was out of line. i’m sorry.
Spitz0rSwallows: hey, maybe we could do lunch, sometime. you know, just to catch up.
Spitz0rSwallows: what days are you free?
Spitz0rSwallows: are you still there?
Spitz0rSwallows: barack?
Spitz0rSwallows: hello?
Spitz0rSwallows: … barack?
BarackNroll signed off at 8:03:42 PM.

Obama to Blago: Resign Before You Get Us All in Trouble

2008-12-12T18:32:00.003-05:00

By Dan Sullivan
World Newz Service

President-elect Barack Obama joined the growing chorus of political figures calling on Illinois Gov. Rod Blagoughoughzyjevich to resign in the wake of allegations the governor tried to sell Obama’s vacated Senate seat.

At a press briefing this morning, Obama expressed concern that the longer Blagoughoughzyjevich stays in office, the more likely it was that the scandal could bleed over into the presidency.

“That guy could totally hose this thing for me,” Obama said. “He should resign immediately before he gets me and the rest of the Chicago political establishment in trouble too.”

As he has done in the past when his associations have come under public scrutiny, Obama disavowed any knowledge of or connection to Blagoughoughzyjevich’s activities.

“I barely even know the guy,” Obama said. “I think I said ‘hi’ to him in the men’s room at the Democratic National Convention, but I swear, that’s it!”

Cheney, Biden Hospitalized After Brawl

2008-12-11T00:03:00.006-05:00

By Dan Sullivan
World Newz Service

WASHINGTON D.C. - Vice President Dick Cheney and Vice President-elect Joe Biden both suffered serious injuries today during a brawl at Cheney’s office in Washington D.C.

The two were together for a routine transition meeting when the fight broke out, according to spokesmen for the two V.P.s.

During the brawl, Cheney struck Biden in the forehead with a fire axe that he retrieved from a hallway fire box, according to a member of Cheney’s staff who declined to be identified. The staffer also reported that Biden ripped open part of Cheney’s shirt and apparently attempted to bite off the vice president’s pacemaker before staff aides intervened to break up the fight.

While it remained unclear what sparked the brawl, the staff member reported that Biden was overheard playfully teasing Cheney before the quarrel broke out.

“I heard him say, ‘come on, Dick, let’s bury the hatchet,” the staffer reported. “And then Dick said, ‘I’ll bury the hatchet ... right into your face!’ And then he ran into the hallway and got the axe and came back and hurled it at the guy’s forehead.”

Biden let out a high-pitched shriek as blood poured from a gaping wound in his forehead, the staffer said. He then became enraged and tackled Cheney to the floor. As the two exchanged blows, Biden ripped open Cheney’s shirt, exposing the lump of skin over Cheney’s pacemaker.

“He opened his mouth and I saw his teeth clamp down on it like a bear trap,” the staffer said. “And then I heard Dick scream. I’ve seen a lot of weird things in Washington, but this takes the cake.”

The two men were both escorted to Washington Hospital Center in separate ambulances immediately following the incident.

D.C. police investigated, but decided against filing charges against either of the men.

“This might look bad to outsiders, but by Washington standards, this is kind of small potatoes,” said D.C. police spokesman Jimmy Peters. “We’re talking about the same city where the mayor was once arrested for smoking crack. Not only that, but they later reelected him. That alone should tell you all you need to know about the kind of stuff that happens in this crazy town.”

Tensions between Cheney and Biden have been high ever since Biden was selected as Barack Obama’s running mate during the this year’s presidential campaign. Biden became known for his frequent vicious attacks on Cheney’s job performance, most notably stating during the V.P. debate that Cheney “has been the most dangerous vice president we’ve had probably in American history.”

Biden kept up his attacks at campaign stops throughout the country, making such infamous statements as “I saw Satan and he looks just like Dick Cheney,” and “if Dick Cheney were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and sh*t.”

Biden remained hospitalized in stable condition this evening while Cheney was treated and released.

In response to a flurry of questions from reporters upon his release, Cheney muttered a string of obscenities and said, “God, I hate that Joe Biden.”

Obama: Napolitano the ‘Best Man for the Job’

2008-12-10T20:20:00.004-05:00

By Dan Sullivan
World Newz Service

WASHINGTON D.C. - President-elect Barack Obama was forced to apologize to Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano today for referring to her as a man while talking with reporters.

It was unclear whether Obama was joking or had actually mistaken for a man his nominee for Homeland Security Secretary.

“She’s the best man for the job,” Obama said. “Terrorists won’t even think of trying anything with Janet standing at the gates.”

The president-elect’s comment perplexed reporters who were in attendance for his daily press conference. When asked if the comment was some sort of joke, a smiling Obama added:

“Everyone knows it takes brass balls to be Homeland Security Secretary. Governor Napolitano has just the balls we’re looking for.”

Napolitano, who has frequently been made the butt of lesbian jokes in her home state of Arizona due to the fact that she has never been married and has no children, was reportedly deeply offended by Obama’s remarks.

The president-elect later met privately with Napolitano to apologize for the comments, which also drew the ire of several feminist groups, including Washington D.C.-based WASP (Women Against Sexist Pigs).

“Although we supported Obama throughout his campaign, he can’t just assume that he can get away with being an arrogant, sexist pig,” said WASP spokeswoman Virginia Firebush. “He is a man, after all.”

Vice President-elect Joe Biden addressed the controversy later the same day in a separate briefing with reporters. However, what appeared to be an attempt by Biden to quell the already fading controversy only fanned the flames.

“She does kind of look like a man,” Biden said. “I mean look at her. She’s got that short hair and those linebacker shoulders. And what the heck is up with that deep voice of hers? She’s even more manly than Janet Reno.”

A spokesman for Gov. Napolitano did not immediately return a call for comment.

Palin Rescues Limbaugh in On-Air Choking Incident

2008-11-24T17:55:00.004-05:00

By Dan Sullivan
World Newz Service

MIAMI - Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin dislodged a pork chop from the windpipe of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh today while visiting Limbaugh's show as a guest.

The bizarre on-air incident occurred in the middle of an interview the portly radio host was conducting with the former Republican vice presidential nominee.

“I’m telling you, folks, this woman has the magic touch,” Limbaugh told his audience immediately following the incident, as he was still coughing.

Limbaugh, who routinely consumes large pieces of meat during his weekday broadcast, had been munching on a plate of pork chops, hot wings and assorted hors d’oeuvres. His in-studio webcam recorded the incident, showing that he began coughing and grasping his chest and neck after attempting to swallow an entire chop in one gulp.

Witnesses in the studio reported that Palin instantly jumped into action, performing a little known anti-choking technique known as the “Alaskan Salmon Squeeze.” The technique, similar to the better-known Heimlich maneuver, involves applying pressure to the choking victim’s neck in quick bursts to force the obstruction back up.

“At first it looked like she was actually trying to strangle him to death,” said a member of Limbaugh’s staff who declined to be identified. “Then when the pork chop popped out of his mouth I thought, ‘gee, this woman really is something else.’”

Bits of saliva and chewed food fell from Limbaugh’s mouth after the chop was ejected. The embarrassed host coughed violently and subsequently said to Palin, “I didn’t get any on you, did I?”

The show went to a brief commercial break while Limbaugh recovered. On the show’s return, Limbaugh resumed his interview with the governor and made no further reference to the incident.

Palin had no comment to reporters about the incident other than to say that “in Alaska, we’re always prepared for any emergency.”

Obama Reportedly Defecates Bar of Gold

2008-11-22T01:41:00.000-05:00

By Dan Sullivan
World Newz Service

CHICAGO - President-elect Barack Obama shocked the world and his supporters today with the announcement that he had apparently defecated a bar of solid gold while taking a break between discussions of his latest cabinet appointments.

In an uncharacteristic display of openness to the press, Obama invited television crews and news photographers into the private bathroom at his transition office in downtown Chicago to take pictures of his golden stool.

“I just sat down and out it came,” Obama proudly told reporters. “Naturally, I’ve been so busy lately that I think things just accumulated down there. Needless to say, I get lots of fiber in my diet.”

A crowd of Obama’s adoring fans gathered outside the office shortly after the announcement, hoping to catch a glimpse of the gold bar.

“I always know’d he was made of gold,” said Obama supporter Jenny Jeffers. “I know’d it the first time I heard him speak. Obama is Jesus. Woo!”

Congressional Republicans expressed skepticism about whether Obama actually produced the bar.

“I doubt it’s even actual gold,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “But, who cares anyway? There’s really nothing new here. It’s always front-page news when Obama takes a sh*t.”